The History of Calm Down

We were all standing around one morning at the bus stop, shooting the shit, while my neighbor’s dogs were waiting impatiently in her car. They were excited to go to doggy day care, and whining and barking at their mom to hurry up. Her son finally went over and started telling his dogs through the window to calm down. I said, “Nothing calms people down like being told to calm down!” I followed up with a comment about how women, in particular, were often encouraged to “just relax.” Then my other neighbor chimed in with her own example: “You’re overreacting.” My daughter chuckled, and his mom smiled knowingly while her son began to squirm. He was outnumbered. I realized what we were doing to the poor kid and said, “I hope you speak sarcasm?” He stuttered a little as he replied that he did. I bet he wished his dad had taken him to the bus stop that day.

​I still feel a little bad that an unsuspecting 13-year-old had to stand there and take it while we ragged on him, but after a lifetime of being told to cool it, we may have been a little pent up. There are a lot of funny memes and gifs on the subject of pissing people off with this statement, but my favorite is still: Never in the history of calm down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down. Especially women. Particularly, women “of a certain age” who have heard some variation of CTFD no less than 500,000 times in their lives. We might not diagnose women with hysteria anymore, or hold witch trials or use ducking chairs to discourage female outspokenness, but we’re still told to smile, even when we don’t want to. Be a good girl. Be modest. Be demure. Being uncalm means rocking the boat, and that is typically frowned upon. Especially for those of us with boobs. It feels like every suggestion to settle down is expected to flip the guilt switch and make you second-guess yourself. Oh no! Am I making people feel uncomfortable? I’m not being ladylike! Since a very young age, I have been told to:

​Calm down.

Just relax.

Lighten up.

Take it down a notch.

Have some poise.

Chill out.

Take it easy.

Get it together.

Let it go.

Is it that time of the month?

​You get the idea.

​I’m not saying that this advice is always unwarranted. I have had to give myself many a time out because I was, in fact, overreacting. But it is not always for the reasons one might suspect. I’m not hysterical. I’m not irrational. I’m human. And things like pent-up frustration, fear of conflict, people pleasing, and discomfort around protecting my boundaries can play a part in my need for a chill pill. People have no idea how often I hold my tongue and how much emotion I suppress. I tell myself to mellow out fairly often, believe me. So when I do let my guard down and let it fly, I’m not going to come across as laid back, that’s for sure. In my case, however, a recurring theme in most of my uncalm moments is anxiety. And depending on what set me off, yes, my reaction may be less than pleasant. Again, human. Sometimes when the CTFD gauntlet is thrown down, I truly don’t feel uncalm at all. I don’t even remember raising my voice. Then again, my idea of sounding mad and someone else’s may differ. I am from New York and come from an enthusiastically loud, Jewish family. That is not everyone’s story.

​One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg, said, “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” Sometimes I feel like it’s the same way with mental health challenges. I mean, would you snap at someone with a cold to just stop sneezing already? Would you ask a woman delivering a baby to zip her lip? Then why is “calm down” okay to say to someone with anxiety? Here’s the thing: since I was a little kid, people have told me that I’m a worrywart, and if I could learn to go with the flow, I would be much happier. Well, anxiety isn’t just about being a Nervous Nelly any more than depression is just about being sad.

​Generalized Anxiety Disorder can present itself as a feeling of actual fear, even when nothing upsetting is going on. It is non-specific, oppressive, and all-encompassing. This over the top, unsettled feeling can just linger, unprovoked and unwelcome, on the outskirts of your mind. On a good day, I keep it at bay by reaching for one of the self-care tools that I have collected over a lifetime of dealing with this shit. On a bad day, it’s like I want to crawl out of my skin, and I’m just doing what I can to not have a panic attack. And you know what doesn’t help me at that moment? Some yahoo saying “get a grip.” Trust me, from the inside looking out, I realize that dealing with an anxious person can be difficult. But put yourself in their place for a minute. Don’t you think they want to be calm?

​No, I don’t have the right to lash out at someone just because they happen to be in the room when anxiety strikes. But I do have the right to my feelings. I have the right to express them. I need to get them off my chest. If I stuff them down, they fester, and guess what? Next time will be 1,000 times worse. Sometimes the reaction truly doesn’t fit the crime. In a perfect world, a person would take a deep breath and issue a measured and reasonable response when they are feeling defensive. But it doesn’t always play out that way. We all have ugly moments and say and do things we regret, but the emotion itself is still valid. It’s not based on nothing. Unfortunately, most of us are uneasy with unpleasant emotions. Can’t we all just shoot sunshine and rainbows out of our butts and never frown? And if you do need to frown, can I offer you a nice pill? When someone else expresses displeasure, we want to fix it or make it go away. We are all so impressed when people weather their storms without complaint and just grin and bear it. They share nothing about their pain so as not to be a burden, and we celebrate their strength and stoicism. Then we are shocked and dismayed when people finally just snap. Or die without saying goodbye. Or kill someone else.

​Telling someone to compose themselves is code for: be quiet, don’t have those feelings, and/or you’re making me uncomfortable. At best, it is dismissive, and at worst, it is a complete invalidation of how the other person is feeling. Essentially, you’re just saying STFU. When you do this, the best-case scenario is you win, and they shut down. But, trust me, it will not be forgotten. The worst, and probably most common, outcome is making them even angrier. And now what could have been a quick, two minute argument is a whole thing. Was it worth it just because you couldn’t think of anything else to say? Perhaps another approach to this situation starts by hearing the person out, acknowledging their feelings, and then explaining how you feel. Ask yourself: are they really flying off the handle, or do I just not want to deal with what they’re saying at the moment? If you truly feel attacked, then by all means, let them know! No one deserves to be a doormat. But “I can see you feel strongly about this” will probably do more to de-escalate the moment than “would you just lighten up?” Because when it comes to calm down, you may think it’s just a phrase spit out in the heat of battle, but for the recipient, it might represent more than just words. And as for the boy at the beginning of the story? He walked away from that conversation unscathed and probably doesn’t even remember it now. But hopefully that experience will stick in the corner of his mind when he feels compelled to tell his first girlfriend to…